God Runs His Business a Lot Like Chris Brown

If you’re going to be a commercial pilot you have to begin by learning how to fly an airplane. You have to learn the basics of flying first. After that you can worry about licensing, logging hours and getting a job.

How we begin is important in our spiritual lives as well. The Bible tells us that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Our generation doesn’t talk much about fearing God. We like to emphasize God’s love, forgiveness and mercy. But fearing God does not mean being scared out of our wits. Rather, it means respectful obedience. It means that we take God very seriously and do what he wants. It’s the foundation of wisdom.

Fearing God means respecting him, trusting him, believing in him and obeying him. If we forget to fear the Lord, sooner or later we’re bound to crash!

Bound to crash?? WTF? Did this guy just make a threat toward us backed by the power of god?? What a dick. And wait a minute! A contradiction in the bible?? Unheard of.

Did you get the message everyone? Be well, clean and do good even though i created you sick in filth as a dirty sinner. Believe in me, even though there's no proof. Fear me, even though I'm eternal love. Love me, even though I'm threatening you with eternal torture.

Chris Brown saying "sex me now, or have your face meet the business end of my fist" approves.

It's Dangerous To Go About Your Life Assuming Zeus Won't Punish You For Eternity

Our lives are based on assumptions. I remember a conversation between a Christian and an atheist. The Christian assumed that the Bible was true, and that he would go to heaven when he died. The atheist assumed that the Bible wasn’t true, and that when you’re dead, you’re dead.

Finally, the atheist said, “So, what happens if you live your Christian life and at the end of it you discover that I was right and you were wrong?”

The Christian replied, “I will have lived a good life and I will die.”

Then the Christian asked, “But, what if I’m right and you’re wrong?”

The atheist thought for a moment before saying, “Then I will have made the worst possible mistake of all of eternity.”

Our assumptions shape our thinking about everything in life. But if our assumptions are wrong – the results are eternal.

Nope. Wrong. Atheists have already answered Pascal's Wager probably a million times over in an hundred different ways, but apparently it still has no affect on people regurgitating it over and over and over like they discovered the human genome or something. HaHA! Checkmate Atheist!

Off the top of my head, here are just a few answers that an actual atheist would have responded to "What if the Christian is right and you're wrong?" none of which include "Then I will have made the worst possible mistake of all eternity." ...

1. What if we're both wrong, and Muslims are right? There's aren't just 2 choices here. And further, if Muslims are right, I believe Allah would be even even more angry at your false-god Jesus love, that he would an atheist's disinterest in the whole thing.

2. Assuming the bible is true takes faith. You don't have to believe anything on insufficient evidence to assume the bible isn't true.

3. Belief is not directly subject to the will. I can't just self-induce myself into theistic belief. Thus, if i got up to the pearly gates, i imagine a true god would be aware i was just pretending to believe, and pretty unimpressed by this.

Prepare Your Mind By Closing It Off

A common report from police officers, fire fighters and soldiers is that they survived an unexpected attack because their earlier training “kicked in.” I remember a TV interview with a soldier who said, "I was too scared to think. I just did what they trained me to do and it worked."

This is true in our spiritual lives as well. In fact, the Bible instructs us, “Prepare your minds for action.”

That means anticipating the dangers or temptations that are apt to come our way and imagining in advance how we will respond.

Think about your values – what you believe in. Think through what it means to be faithful to God, to be honest, to avoid sexual temptation. The key point is to prepare in advance! Become spiritually strong before troubles arrive. Otherwise it may be too late.

The bible says "Prepare your mind for action" ... Let me translate here. By "action" the bible means learning. But it doesn't mean "prepare your mind for learning." It means "prepare your mind for encountering the danger of learning." The problem is Christianity already claims to have all the answers for everything. So the religious totally hate it when science goes around solving things with real evidence and reason that they pretended to already give you the answer for. Thus Christianity is kind of counting on you to close your mind off to new things prepare your mind for action.

Notice the random attack on sex once again as well... Awesome. Shame people about their human sexuality over and over.

I'd definitely suggest waiting until marriage for sex. That way you have a much greater chance of spending the rest of your life with someone you're sexually incompatible with. But that's just as well, since you should probably only have sex to procreate anyway. You can wait until heaven to experience pleasure. And god knows that there's no sex in heaven ... so there must be something even better than sex there. Maybe it's those chocolate strawberry crostatas from D'Amico & Sons? I'm not sure though, that's just a guess.

Spread the love of God? Gaaaaaaross

“Bloom where you are planted” is a familiar phrase. It’s a very pleasant idea but to me it raises a nagging question, “What does God want from me where I’m planted?” Or, put another way, “What’s the purpose of my life?”

Living your whole life without any understanding of what you are here for is sad. It’s kind of like a fruit tree that appears healthy but never grows any fruit. It looks good, but it misses out on what matters the most.

When you discover that your purpose is to show others the love of God in whatever place you are planted, then you will grow the fruit God has designed you to produce. Your attitude will change. You’ll be able to face disappointment with courage and accept success without pride as you reflect the love of God. Then you will truly bloom where you are planted!

Annnnnnnd we're back! Little hiatus there.

I have to say, this is a pretty big disappointment that the purpose of my life is to "show others the love of God," unless that's a euphemism for something, in which case, that sounds kinda sexy.

Note it's no mistake that this is common thread throughout most religions in history: It's not enough to just lie to your kids and immediate family about things you don't really know. You're mandated to go out and spread the great news to others. Why? Pretty obvious. The same reason the church is "against birth control." Gotta get as many subscribers as possible before logic and reason win out and you become another extinct religion buried in the mass grave that is mythology.

Also, God sure has a funny way of showing love. I generally don't give the people i love ultimatums backed with a threat of torture, but that's just me.

God Employs Manchurian Candidates

Caesar Augustus was the first Roman emperor. He was a powerful military leader who united the empire, built roads and cities and was a patron of the arts. When Caesar Augustus called for a census for tax purposes, it was his decree that set the circumstances for the birth of Jesus. If it were not for his census, there would be no birth in Bethlehem, no shepherds or so many of the things we associate with the Christmas story. Augustus knew nothing about Jesus, but his decree set the stage for Jesus’ birth.

It impresses me that God often accomplishes his purposes through people who don’t even know it. Today God still uses the decisions of famous and powerful leaders to accomplish his great purposes in history - even if those leaders know nothing of Jesus.

So Caesar, the guy that led an empire that believed in Jupiter and Apollo for centuries, laid the groundwork for Jesus? Makes perfect sense. By the way, no one ever came along and confirmed "Greek and Roman gods are dead and this jesus stuff is the truth now." Jesus essentially has the same credence as Roman myths.

It is pretty impressive what god was able to accomplish through people like Adolf Hitler. Once we die and get up to heaven, I'm sure God has a brilliant explanation for the holocaust. Right now we just don't understand because his "ways are higher than our understanding."

Less Critical Thinking, More Faith Please

If you want to grow a carrot, you have to plant a seed. It would be an exercise in futility to water, fertilize and chase the rabbits away in hope of growing carrots if you had never planted any seed. In order for something to grow, it must first begin.

The same goes for faith. Unless someone first becomes a Christian, there is no faith to grow. Many Americans think they are Christians simply because they’ve been born in a Christian family. But that’s no more true than being born in a garage makes you a car. Becoming a Christian is based on personal faith in Jesus as Savior and Lord. There needs to be a point in time when you believe.

Remember, in order for faith to grow, there must first be a beginning. Plant your seed of faith today so it can grow!

Totally... you can't just pretend to believe in the nonsense to appease your parents & god and go to heaven. You have to fully divorce yourself from all logic and reason.

Also i feel like more Christians should be born in garages... Because, let's be honest... hospitals are the result of hundreds of years of scientific development. And it's tough to trust anything to science, because it's evil. It keeps undoing explanations for things that my bible already told me about.

Molestation Victims Should Seek Shelter In The Church

Domestic violence is a major social problem today. It occurs in every strata of society.

If you are counted among those who are abused, you need to know that Jesus came to set the oppressed free. That means that Jesus came to set you free. You need to know that the abuse is not your fault. Parents who molest their children, husbands who abuse their wives and adult children who abuse their parents – they are the ones doing wrong. There’s never an excuse for hurting the weak and vulnerable.

If you are abused, help is available – but you have to tell someone. Talk to a pastor, tell a teacher or call the police. Getting the help you need is not only best for you, it’s ultimately the best thing for the person who is hurting you.

Yes! Talk to a pastor about getting molested... He'll be happy to give you a hand I'm sure.

Jesus came to set you free abused women! Really? He did? Let's even completely ignore the Old Testament where god condones things like the forcible raping of women slaves in order to take them as your wife... I just want someone please find me a mainstream religion that is free of content that includes "Man > Woman."

Yet this creepy middle-aged virgin is trying to tell abused women to find shelter in a church format. Seems like Tim Brewster came up with this gameplan.

Got A DNP (Coaches Decision) From God

I have a little note in my desk drawer that says, “Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.” It’s a reminder to me that striking out is not a disqualification for coming back to the plate.

When the apostle James was writing about teaching, he said, “We all stumble in many ways.” If everyone who made a mistake while teaching someone else was disqualified from further teaching, there wouldn’t be anyone doing it. In fact, most of us learn best from teachers who admit their mistakes. We can’t identify with teachers who act like they always get everything right and are far superior to their students. We want to learn from people who are like us – teachers who walk where we walk and stumble where we stumble. A wise teacher explains, “This is the way you stumble and this is the way God helps you to go on.”

No wise teacher ever said that. Teachers aren't supposed invoke god into school. Duh.

What if you never get to really play in God's little game of life? You know, like what if God makes you born with a crippling disease and you don't get a chance to get baptised and die before you even have a chance to make a mistake? God makes you stumble and then trips you to the ground and stomps you to death?

Why doesn't God give everyone a fair shake to learn all these great lessons with his infinite love?

Life Is Infinitely Valuable... If You Make The Cut

There’s much debate in America about the value of life. Issues such as capital punishment, abortion and euthanasia arouse great emotion. As the world’s population grows, many consider life to be not very valuable at all.

But that’s completely contrary to the way Jesus viewed people. Jesus considered every individual to be valuable. Whenever Jesus looked at another person, he saw the likeness of God in them.

When you’re old enough to have friends with grown children, it can be rather startling to meet those children and see the strong resemblance to their parents. It’s like you already know them. That’s what it’s like to see the likeness of God in other people. We’re to value every human being as a special creation in the image of God and to consider each person as someone of infinite worth.

I'm not so sure, how valuable can life really be to someone who can just rise from the dead whenever they feel like it anyway?

It's pretty obvious god's a huge fan of the practice of capital punishment if you read his book. And with his obsession with miscarriages, God aborts more in-womb beating hearts than every doctor ever.

I'm sure there's some twisted counter-argument, but on pure logical thought, the very belief of Christianity significantly devalues human earthly life. Since we either spend eternity in either heaven or hell... life is simply an infinitesimal blip as a means to arrive at one of those 2 places.

So under this cult of belief, you're of infinite worth to god in the sense that you spend eternity with him (assuming you pass his earth test). But beyond the test part, your human life is pretty much worth jack shit. And Jack just left town.

Dream About A Zombie Fable In Order To Get Courage To Set New Goals For Yourself

Dreams are an important part of the human experience. Dreams give us hope. Dreams help us to anticipate the way we want things to become. It is our way of visualizing ourselves in a preferred tomorrow.

But sometimes our dreams are unfulfilled and we wonder why. Do you have an unfulfilled dream? In the past did you dream that you would lose weight, get married, buy a house, be promoted or make the team?

If you see your life as one of unfulfilled dreams, then this message is for you. There is a positive antidote to unfulfilled dreams. Instead of continual disappointment because life didn’t turn out the way you dreamed, turn your heart and hope to Jesus. He will give you the strength to get beyond yesterday’s disappointment and the courage to dream again.

Unfulfilled dreams? Turn your heart and hope to Jesus? And you thought you were disappointed before...

Might i suggest a new strategy instead of living your life like you're playing the lotto?

Stop dreaming. Stop imagining there's some magic presence that will someday start dealing you aces in the card game of life.

Start taking personal action. Start a meal plan if you want to lose weight. Join a social group to meet more people and find a spouse if you want to get married. Stay late after work if you want a promotion.

Or go make out with Jesus and give him a promise ring, probably just as effective.

Aphrodite Never Changes

Heraclitus was a Greek philosopher who taught that change is the essence of the universe. When we look around, we see change everywhere. Just as the flames of a fire are always changing, so our lives are in a constant state of flux.

So how does God fit into all of this? Is he caught by surprise? Is he merely dragged along by the forceful currents of change in our world? The Bible makes it quite clear that, unlike the world, God does not change. He knows everything in advance and he’s in complete control.

The recognition that God is in control calls us to take responsibility for things we can control and to trust him for what we cannot control. Whether the changes in our lives bring extraordinary happiness or unspeakable pain, God is in ultimate control and he is trustworthy.

Wait... did i just pass out? Or did he just use an ancient Greek philosopher to explain that "god never changes?" Huh? You might recognize ancient Greece from such things as Zeus, Hera, Ares, Apollo, Hades, Athena and many more.

For some reason i'm thinking that god going from being a whole bus load of different people for different elements — to just being one dude or presence — qualifies as a "change." But maybe that's just me.

Also i can't control that oil spill in the Gulf and totally trusted god would have it cleaned up by now. God better hurry up with the mop and bucket or i might have to ground him this weekend. If i can't trust him, he loses the priviledge of going out of the house.

Religious People Are Easily Persuaded

Most of us don’t want to be characterized as “submissive,” yet the Bible describes the person living according to God’s wisdom as being submissive. The word “submissive” literally means “open to reason or easily persuaded.” You may think that sounds like being a wimp – the kind of person who’s gullible and easily pressured and persuaded – but that’s really not what it’s saying. The submissive person truly listens to others’ points of view and has the inclination to agree rather than disagree.

Too often we automatically say “no” before listening to someone’s request. A submissive person doesn’t always go along with anything that’s suggested, but that person’s initial default is to try to say “yes.” Hearing the other person out and trying to go along whenever possible, is the way of God’s wisdom.

That's really strange because every time i have a discussion with a person of god's wisdom, "hearing me out" is about the last thing they want to do. I mean obviously it's because they have an absolute abhorrence for logic and evidence. But isn't it obvious that if religious people were open to being persuaded, there wouldn't be any left?

God's A Rental Car Company

Fender benders are one of life’s annoyances. Not the least of the frustrations is how to get around while your car is being repaired. I remember a time when it happened to me and a friend graciously offered me the use of his car while he was on vacation. I gratefully accepted, not minding that his car happened to be a brand new Porsche! It was a great car and I loved driving it. But, you know, I treated that Porsche differently because it wasn’t mine. I drove more carefully. I think I even enjoyed it more because I knew I would have to give it back.

And that’s how we should treat all of our possessions. We should believe that everything we have belongs to God. It may be ours to use for awhile, but whenever he wants it back, it’s his to claim. It’s an attitude that helps keep our wealth (or lack of it) in perspective.

A Porsche! What an evil asshole this guy is! Why the fuck was he spending so much time chasing dollar signs where he could afford a Porsche instead of praising and seeking god?

And why didn't your dumb ass drive more carefully and pretend your car "was god's possession" in the first place? God's gonna be pretty pissed when he gets that car back from you and checks the CARFAX report and finds a Salvage Title. Tread carefully my friend! I've read some things in the bible where god gets pretty mean and petty, and it was over a lot less than wrecking his car he loaned you.

Mo Money, Mo Problems

When a reporter asked billionaire John D. Rockefeller, “How much money is enough?” he answered, “A little bit more.”

Everywhere we go, we get the message that our worth as persons is defined in terms of our wealth. But listen to what Jesus taught, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.…It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

We live in a time of great affluence – when it’s all too easy to put our trust in our wealth rather than in God. Our standard of living is amazing compared to that of much of the world. But, wealth itself isn’t the problem; it’s the importance we give it. Trusting in our wealth is a tragic mistake.

After all, wealth is temporary, but heaven is forever!

Now this is some real shit, even for this guy. GREAT fucking message. I just love when religion tells you to marginalize your life and lives of others on earth because "the party doesn't really start until after you die."

So yeah... don't try to make money and provide for your kids, just put your trust in god... he'll feed your kids...By the way, your kids like rainwater and dandelions right? Eat up kids! Yummers!

And what the hell is this shit?:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
- Matthew 19:24

Orrrr?

Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord... Wealth and riches shall be in his house...
- Psalms 112:1-3

Thanks for nothing once again bible.

Pay Your Rent With Prayers, Wishes & Dreams

We live in a materialistic society and, in many ways, money has become the religion of our country. Banks are its temples and financial publications are more closely followed than church liturgies. We value one another according to how much money we have or earn. We are fascinated with finding out someone’s net worth. And we adjust our appraisal of people on the basis of how much money they have.

Because of all this, I believe that money must be perceived as more of an enemy than a friend. Unfortunately, money is often the primary competition for God as to what comes first in our lives.

The pressure to live for and worship money in our society is extraordinary. It takes a deliberate spiritual commitment on our part to choose serving Almighty God over the almighty dollar.

This one's especially hilarious. What did you idiots pay local radio stations with in order to air this very advertisement?? Prayers? Or was it money? I'm guessing money.

I mean holy shit... it must be so fucking easy for you to say "chase after an imaginary sky monster god instead of the almighty dollar" when you're a business that features an invisible product, with no overhead, that never has to deliver on its promises!... AND doesn't have to pay TAXES!

And unless there isn't a collection plate at your church, THIS VERY AD is trying to promote your product, drive more customers to the pews to stuff YOUR coffers with more money!

Spend Time With Your Kids Because God Said So

If I were asked to sum up advice to new parents in three words or less, I would say, “Savor the moment.” Remember not to take for granted the joy of cradling that little baby in your arms – even if it’s the middle of the night! Take delight in those first toddling steps. Give priority to attending your child’s games and events. Count these moments as gifts from God to be savored.

Susanna Wesley, an eighteenth century mother, had nineteen children. One of her biographers tells that she made it a point to spend one hour each week alone with each of her children. What an overwhelming task that must have been with all the demands placed upon her by such a huge family. But Susanna Wesley understood the priority of investing in and delighting in her children. She savored the moment!

Newsflash: You don't have to believe anything on insufficient evidence to enjoy the time you spend with your kids. In fact, I'd suggest skipping church on Sunday's and instead find a fun activity you enjoy with your kids. That will create a much stronger bond with them than reading and singing from books of Iron Age barbarism.

Also it's too bad Susanna couldn't mix in some birth control. Unless it was for the purpose of employing an entire staff on their 18th century farm, I'm going to go ahead and saying birthing 19 children is it's own form of child abuse. If you only spent one hour a week with a kid under your custody in today's laws, Child Protective Services would arrest your ass.

Praying ... an epic time-waster

We get angry when we read in the newspaper about criminals getting off on some legal technicality. Perhaps the evidence wasn’t gathered correctly or some fine point of the law wasn’t met and the criminal was released. Not because he was innocent, but because of a technicality.

Sometimes we fear that we may approach God with a need in our life only to have our prayers rejected on a technicality. We worry that our prayers might not fit the prescribed formula because we are unaware of how the Bible instructs us to pray. We think God might say, “Sorry, on that technicality I’m throwing out your prayer.”

But let me assure you. He’s not that kind of God. He’s a God who is ready and waiting for us to come to him; a God who is anxious to listen and predisposed in our direction. He won’t get hung up on the technicalities.

I agree. Don't get hung up on worrying about your prayer getting hung up on technicalities. Instead i'd worry a lot more about the fact that your wasting your time praying to someone who doesn't exist.

I don't know quite how to put this... but there is no god that answers prayers. This is actually a measurable thing. They've done it hospitals. They had whole groups of people pray for certain people and not others with similar conditions. Shockingly, the prayers had zero noticeable effects.

Don't Take Credit For Your Own Hard Work Or Success

How a person handles success teaches us a lot about that person. Are you familiar with the Bible story where Jesus fed five thousand people with the lunch of one small boy? His miracle made him the center of attention and the talk of the town.

So what did Jesus do to celebrate his success? He went off alone to a mountainside to pray. Now, please don’t misunderstand. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the praise of the people; it was just that God was most important to him and he wanted to give the glory to God. Whenever we experience great success we naturally want to share that success with whoever is most important to us.

The next time you have something to celebrate—it might be a promotion; a new baby or winning a championship—do what Jesus did. First, give God the glory.

Where's this god at now? Africa could really use one of those Jesus-Super-Happy Meals right about now. What's that god? You're going to let them spread AIDS and malaria and starve to death instead? OK... cool... it's your plan.

I'm so glad i have a brain and the ability to reason. If i subscribed to this Jesus nonsense, i'd have to spend half my time thanking god every time something good happened, and then the other half of my time praying for better things every time something bad happened.

I'm also glad i heard this today, it's a good reminder. When my child is born, i'll be sure to sprint out of the delivery room, and find a quiet corner in the hospital to praise an imaginary, invisible presence. I mean it would be nice to share that moment with my wife, whom i could actually see and converse with about how awesome it is... but god was first in line and needs his glory i guess.

Working On God's Slave Plantation

Jesus talked about money more than just about any other topic, and a central point to his teaching was that God owns everything. It’s our privilege to use the resources that God lets us use, but we must never treat them as if they belong to us. Everything belongs to God and we are merely the managers.

Now, let’s suppose that you let me drive your new car. I need to keep in mind that it’s not my car, it’s your car. I’m careful with it because I know that if I treat your car well, you may let me borrow it another time.

God wants us to have the same awareness in regards to all our money and possessions. Everything ultimately belongs to God. God lets us live in his houses, drive his cars and use his possessions. But he also holds us accountable.

We are managers, not owners.

"Everything ultimately belongs to god." Man... god sure has a lot of stuff. Think of all the ball gags, dildos and pornos god must have. It sure was nice of him to let us use all those. I'd be sure to use some disinfectant and scrub those before giving them back to god. I think he'd appreciate that.

Also i bet a lot of people aren't going get to use god's guns again after the first time they borrowed them. Naughty people.

Waste Your One Life On An Imaginary Sky Monster

We all have one shot at life and we don’t want to blow it. We don’t want to get to retirement age and wonder if our lives have really counted for anything. It’s human nature to want our lives to matter, to count for something and to leave a mark when we’re gone.

I think the best place for us to look for some answers is at the life of Jesus. If someone would have asked Jesus, “What do you do?” he might have said that he was a carpenter or a teacher. But that probably wouldn’t have been the first answer he would have given. Most of all, Jesus lived for God. He went where God told him to go and did whatever God wanted him to do. He had a clear sense of direction and purpose and meaning – he was on earth to do what God wanted him to do. And it’s that singleness of purpose that God wants for us to have in our lives as well.

I know when i hear the phrase "clear sense of direction and meaning," the first thing i think of is an imagined, invisible all-powerful presence that no one has ever seen nor heard. A presence that can, (and has been) interpreted in thousands of different ways. Either that or the bible.

I'm glad that interpretations of god and the bible provide a clear-cut way to live a positive life. Imagine if you could just twist around the words of the bible (or whichever holy scripture) so that you could reasonably justify anything... now that would be chaos.